I cried... 9 months of missing you..

For the past 9 months, I didn't dare to go think about the two of them.
It is a deep dark secret that I told no one here in SG, only my friends in Taiwan know.

Amanda aka 曼寧 called me just now.. And told me after 9 months of their passing, FINALLY FINALLY they came into her dreams. And it was so coincidental that she watched a Taiwanese mini drama series on the hurricane that killed so many.
Yes, I lost two very good friends from Taiwan in this terrible natural disaster that shook Taiwan 9 months ago.

I miss them terribly, and since I was woken up, I came online and watched the show Amanda told me. It is short 6 part mini drama, (and I just found out Vanness is one of the producers!) and from the moment the show started, I cried. I cried thinking about them, about the times we had, and how I never get to see them again. 9 months of heartache and missing them, the pain is so intense that I am still crying as I am typing this out.
It is a kind of pain that I can only shove it into a deep dark corner of my mind and heart to move on.


That is why I learn to appreciate my friends more now. I have learn to let go of any grudges I have with any friend, and tell myself, life is too short to be angry about.

敏和琳，要快樂！你們要做快樂和漂亮的天使！我愛你們！

To my besties, I love you girls too! (Amanda, 圓,娟,Joanne, Stella, Rain, Maylyn,Minyi). You girls will always have a very very special place in my heart, no matter what happens, no matter where I am.

I really hope I don't have to go through this kind of pain ever again... It is really too hard to bear. 

i love you.

what more can i say?


that i love you..


more than anything else...
and thank you for staying with me..
i miss you and i look forward to end june when we can spend more time together.

我愛你! 寶貝，我愛你!

The scariest thing so far..

The scariest thing so far isn't stepping into the hospital and see the different kinds of patients around you..

The scariest thing that I learnt of today was, the total quietness in a super super small space..

For the past 26 years, nothing fazes me as much as cockroaches and height... now let me add one more.. it's not small space or quietness.. it is BOTH when they are put together!

Why do they have to make the scan room or MRI room so damn bloody cold!!! and I have to be changed into the thinest of the materials that a human can wear, and I am suppose to lie there for a good 30 minutes!

What is scary is also the time, they tell you its 30 minutes, it bloody feels like a good 30 hours!

*click* goes the room door when the nurse went out and *POOF* total silence! A pin drops can be ear deafening!! Can you imagine a good 30 minutes like that and worst, when you can't see what's going around you because you are being 'pushed' into a tunnel and the 'tunnel' just spins above you.

No wonder the technician tells you to close your eyes and just relax..

But how in the world do I relax when all I can hear is "nggggggg ngggggg nggggg nggggg ngggg"!

When I came out, mum thought I was going to faint cause I was so pale! Who wouldn't be? Its a damn 30 minutes of "nnnngggg nnnngggg nggggnnngggg!" and in a quiet small space that I can't help thinking what will happen if there is an electric blackout!

What a day!

It saddens me to see my mum cry...

out of concern for me.

I was surprised that she was so worried about my condition that when I got home today, she was already in the living room, watching TV. Suddenly, in the dark living room, I realise Mummy aged alot.

I was so busy this week, being called last minute to KL with boss, to accompany her to check out the school's childcare centre there, I was hardly home for two days and I forgot to bring my phone. She must have worried that I could have collapse there.

But I am really really blessed to have... my parents are my pillars of strength. No one can ever take their places. They may not know how to express their worries, anger well, but I know it is all out of concern for me.

Yes, I am scared now.. Worried what the results maybe like... On leave for the next few days, to clear this worry and to clear the atmosphere at home. But I will hold my head high, knowing I have my family behind me, no matter what happens.

勇气。

梁静如唱出我心里的话。

爱真的需要勇气，来面对所有的流言蜚语。

只要他的一个眼神肯定，我的爱就会有意义。

毕竟，五年前是我伤了他，放弃他。

但这五年，无论我身边有没有男友，遇到什么困难，他都会时不时的关心我。

老实说这五个`多月来，我想了很多，也知道我要什么了。

我要一个家，一个属于我自己的家。

我不年轻，处了女儿，姐姐和妹妹的身份，我也想做一位太太和妈妈的女人。

身边的朋友，家人，连前男友都成家了，难免也有点羡慕。

走了这么多圈，我累了，不想再寻寻觅觅，眼前的他是对的，我也不要再“想太多”。。

幸福是一辈子，我不会闹着玩。

我知道我在做什么。放心。

选择忘记.

选择忘记 是对自己一个交代。

选择忘记 是对自己的一个保护。

选择重新再爱 是觉得自己没有太多的时间了。

有了机会再重新被他人再爱 是一件幸福的事。

别人会觉得为何我能这么快再爱 因为我长大了。

学会放下。。

张大了 学会 如果他不是你的 再多的 心痛 眼泪 也再换不回他的爱。

何必呢？

把自己逼到一个黑暗的角落。。

封锁可以再爱的权利。

长大了 学会祝福 也知道什么是真心的祝福。。

爱情 需要 时间 经历 心痛 快乐 眼泪 欢笑  才知道怎么和它好好的相处。

我不需要他人的评论 也不需要无关紧要的人来告诉我怎么爱 怎么做出我自己的幸福的决定。

对曾经爱过我和我爱过的他说  谢谢你 让我学会怎么‘成熟’的爱。。也谢谢你爱过我。

Thank you.

Thank you to those who express their concern.

Thank you to 大姐... for immediately sending me the private FB's message.

Thank you to James and gang for buying my favourite food and crashing over at my place.

Thank you to Joanne, Stella for msn-ing and fb-ing me.

Thank you guys... I really feel loved. Thanks.

I learn not to cry outwardly...

I learn to keep all these emotions in me...

I don't know who do I go and say all these things are that bothering me to...

I learn to deal with all these emotions and issues alone...

Who do I go to and say: "XXX, I am feeling down, will you hear me out?"...

Who has the time and mood to listen to me?

Sigh...